Today marks 38w5d. A million thoughts keep running through my mind. The main vein through all of them is I don’t think I’m ready for the baby to be here. I know this is a common feeling and a lot of mothers-to-be face this, but, struggling with infertility before this pregnancy has just amplified it all.
There’s just less than a week to go before the little one gets here. OMG! Just thinking about it sends me on a tail-spin. The plan by MFM is to induce me on Nov 24 (Mon – I would be 39w2d), if the baby stays put till then. The reason being, they would prefer to have me deliver before my due date and not go over because of my gestational diabetes and the high-risk nature of my pregnancy in general. Add to that the Thanksgiving holiday coming up on Nov 27 so, they decided inducing me a few days earlier is the best route. So, we’re potentially looking at being home by Thanksgiving with a little extra bundle of joy in our hands! This is extremely exciting and nerve-racking at the same time!
We have our final check-up tomorrow. At the last check-up, the doctor checked my cervix and said it was nice and soft. She said it was a good sign for the induction, though they would still need to do a bit of cervix ‘ripening’. I have no idea what to expect from this induction. As the day gets closer, I’m getting more nervous. I plan to ask the doctor tomorrow about what the whole process is going to be like from start to finish, the risk factors, what could go wrong etc.
I still feel so unprepared for the baby’s birth because I’ve read how much other pregnant women read and prep before the birth. The husband and I also chose not to go for any birthing or child-care classes, since we heard from a few people that it’s not really useful before the baby is born since every baby is so unique and you basically learn as you go. I also haven’t read any baby-care books. So, I feel like I’m going into this whole thing with a blind-fold on. I don’t know if this was a stupid move or not but, all I know right now is that I’m putting all my trust and faith in God. I also know that no matter how much I prepare before-hand, anything can happen and plans and preparations can all go to nothing since one can never anticipate curve-balls that labor and delivery are known to throw. So, I’m confident that as long as I know God is in control, I will be fine no matter what.
I think for me, the fear that infertility instills in you and the hopelessness it slowly lets overtake your life has all played a part in my unpreparedness. At every step, I’ve been scared to plan too much ahead because I don’t want to get my heart too vested in this in case something bad happens. I hate infertility for that. It always clouds your life with “in case something bad happens since it’s always too good to be true”. No matter how much you try to swim above that dark cloud, its nasty clutches drag you down. This is also the reason that has kept me from getting the baby’s room (which she will share with my husband’s study) ready much in advance. It is still only 95% done and the last few bits and pieces are slowly coming together. I even finished packing my hospital bag only this week.
Throughout this pregnancy, I’ve tried my best to cling to God and His promises and to lean on Him through all the ups and downs. But, there are just days and circumstances that completely overwhelm me and I let them rise above the peace that God’s Word has given me. Especially in the last couple of weeks, I’ve had this nagging thought that something is going to go wrong with labor and delivery and I will not have my precious bundle to love at the end of it all. I know these thoughts are from the evil one trying to steal the joy of God’s promise to me. The enemy has tried his best throughout this pregnancy to make me doubt every milestone I’ve crossed – his biggest weapon being my incompetent cervix.
BUT…
…the fact that my cervix has held up till this stage is proof that though the enemy may try his best, he can do nothing when God’s protection and plan is in place. And so I continue to cling to this promise in God’s Word that has held me through all the negative thoughts and feelings:
“Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.” – Philippians 1:6
On a little side note…I don’t know if my little fur-baby can sense that something big is going to happen but, she’s been extremely clingy lately. She will constantly sit or sleep in her bed that’s next to our bed. She usually doesn’t follow me this closely, especially after my parents arrived and she’s grown really attached to them. She will leave the room only when I do, or if there’s someone at the door but, will almost always come running back to be next to my side. To end this update, here’s a picture of her sleeping next to my bed…she always melts my heart when she’s curled up in her bed…
My Baby Desire 