23 March 2014. A day I will never ever forget. A miracle from God. The day I got my first ever positive pregnancy pee-stick. I was deliriously crying as the pee passed through the two windows of the pregnancy stick and the two lines showed up instantly. Regardless of what happens down the road, this will always be the day I got my first ever positive pregnancy test. I know there are huge challenges down the road and anything can happen, but, I’m savoring the beauty of this moment for now. It is beyond belief and I still have to pinch myself. I’M PREGNANT!
The last 4-5 months have been one of the most trying phases of my life. I’ve been sliding through both ends of the emotional spectrum, ranging from utter despair, depressing days when I felt there was no hope to make my own baby, days when I even wondered if ending my life would be better so my husband could go on and have children with some other woman (really dark days) AND then there were also happy days which had nothing to do with my treatment.
I started my first medicated course of Letrozole with timed intercourse in October 2013, followed by one more round in November and two IUI cycles that were started in December of 2013 and January of 2014. None of those cycles worked. Not even one positive pregnancy test. My heart broke every time the nurse called with bad news. I began to grow quite indifferent towards the treatment and the hope of making a baby of my own. I had also stopped blogging about my last IUI cycle (which was my second that ended with my period on 24 February) since I thought there wouldn’t be anything different to report about this cycle anyway. I was right.
But, something happened before that cycle ended. Ever since I started seeing my RE, I stopped seeing my regular endocrinologist (who I see for my PCOS and Hypothyroid), thinking that the RE would take care of everything. For some reason, in January, I thought I should check in with my regular endocrinologist. I got an appointment for 18 February, which ended in a bit of bad news. My TSH was 8 – the normal for women trying to get pregnant is around 1.5. I was grossly off track. And my regular endocrinologist told me that I should definitely continue seeing her no matter what because the RE doesn’t manage regular thyroid levels. So, when I got my period on 24 February, I called my RE’s office and told them I’d like to take a break in treatment while I got my TSH under control. I also met my RE for a mini WTF session. My RE said that the cycles looked perfect – I made beautiful eggs, had nice thick uterine linings every month, the husband had bounteous sperm – but they didn’t work for any number of natural reasons beyond their control. There could’ve been a problem with egg quality OR the egg took a wrong turn and didn’t make it down the Fallopian tube OR the egg hated the sperm and blocked them off. He said that at my age, I could still wait a few months to finish my remaining two IUIs before I head into IVF. There was no hurry to rush into an IVF. I love my RE for saying that, since I was apprehensive to jump into IVF right from the beginning.
So, the Feb-Mar cycle goes the natural way. I wasn’t expecting anything from this cycle because all I wanted was to at least have a period on my own. I prayed that my ovaries would make an egg to release, since that hadn’t happened in a long time before I started my treatments. Around the time of ovulation, I had a little bit of breast tenderness and pain. I wondered what that was and upon Googling, was satisfied to know that ovulation could sometimes cause such pain. I was internally a little thrilled thinking there could be a possibility my ovaries were getting ready with an egg. Whee! I also had a lot of the “creamy egg-white cervical mucus” for nearly a week so I didn’t know when the hell our fertility window was. Well, since we weren’t actively trying to make a baby anyway, it didn’t matter and we continued having our little romps in the bedroom. This time for fun (Oh, how good it felt to just have fun rather than commanding my husband to do get busy in the bedroom or in a cup). No expectations. Just fun. Then, a few days later, my breast tenderness and pain slowly subsided and it was replaced with this weird feeling in my pelvic region. The kind of dull pain when you have a lot of gas build-up and it hurts when you poop and pee. That continued for a week or so. I began to worry a little bit wondering whether it could be a cyst in my ovary or some other problem causing the pain. While I was wondering about which doctor to call, the pain slowly started subsiding. Then, the week of 17 March, I started developing slight cramps. I thought my period was on its way and I was due around 23-24 March, going by my previous month’s schedule. I start mentally preparing for my period. In my heart of hearts, I’m actually very happy that there are signs my period is coming because I wasn’t expecting a pregnancy from this month so, I was glad that I was at least having a period of my own accord. I thanked God that I was naturally ovulating and going to have a period. But, at the back of my mind, I also had thoughts of how awesome it would feel to be one of those women who gets pregnant the instant they stop all treatment. I laughed it off. But, on the other hand, it also caused minuscule panic attacks because I wasn’t on any Progesterone and I was worried the pregnancy wouldn’t stick! Oh the horror. That panic was shut off when I suddenly remembered that if there really was a pregnancy, it was definitely something God planned and if He has planned it, He will support it regardless of what medication I take or don’t take. He’ll see me through it. I happily skip through the rest of the week on that resolved note.
Fast forward to 22 March. The cramping gets more intense, like it does when the period arrives on that very day. In the afternoon, I wipe up some kinda brown bloody discharge when I pee. I think, here we go again, the period is here! I grab my sanitary pad and put it in place and go about the rest of my day. I was busy prepping food for a party later that evening at a friends house. While getting ready I notice that my pee has become clear again and there’s no more blood or discharge. I first begin to panic thinking this is yet another irregular period and now I have to go back to the drawing board to induce my periods. I put aside all those thoughts and head for the party with my husband. The friends who were throwing the party are expecting their second child in September, so our friend’s bump was showing now. I was quietly very envious but strove on through the night and had quite a blast playing a whole buncha games. I come home and dissolve into a crying mess in bed. The husband has already started snoring so I know he doesn’t know what’s happening. I ugly-cry and heave for 5 minutes and then fall asleep in a bed of my own tears.
The next day, 23 March, we bunk Church and spend a whole day just lazing on the couch and bed. I still wonder about the disappearance of my period and tiny doubt of pregnancy and implantation bleeding starts seeping into my thoughts. It slowly gets stronger and nearly drives me nuts. So I stop at a CVS after dropping the husband at the airport and buy myself a home pregnancy test kit.
I come home, order Chinese, tuck into the food, go to the bathroom to pee, take my pregnancy test kit with me and the rest of the story is what this post starts with.
I am so thrilled and nervous at the same time. For the first hour after I found out, my heart was beating like a million horses racing. I worried about that affecting the embryo. I try to calm down, I text my husband who’s still on an airplane and hyperventilate to my parents over the phone. This miracle is all I’ve ever wanted.
Thinking back on the sequence of this whole story, it is nothing but God’s hand that brought this pregnancy to my womb. It was his divine nudge that sent me to my regular endocrinologist, which helped me discover the high TSH and remedy that. It was His grace that prepared my womb, ovary and every other part to their best to make this a success. It is nothing but God’s doing. I owe this pregnancy to Him. And He orchestrated this break, so I would know for certain that for Him, nothing is impossible. He can use my broken body and make it whole. Praise Jesus!
Tomorrow (it is now today, as I sit and type this out in the wee hours of the morning before I forget everything I want to write down), I will call ALL my doctors to ask them what the next step is going to be and also get a blood pregnancy test to confirm everything.
For now, I rejoice in God’s promises and mercy. I AM PREGNANT!
My Baby Desire 